It's another late night and I'm up, completely insomniac yet once again. I can tell the stress is really getting to me because unlike uncountable times before, I can't blame it on coffee. Reason being, apart from the occasional moment of weakness, I have been avoiding caffeine at all costs(who knew the caramel hot chocolate at Starbucks was so incredibly good? yum).
And the reason for all this stress? Well, my A2 exams, for one thing. I've never been this completely freaked out about an exam in my life(not even my O levels..and that's saying something). So much depends on my A level results. Where will I spend the next 3 years of my life doing my degree ? Will I manage to get into UQ / Monash or will I have to settle for some mediocre university? Did I let my parents down? Would all the hopes and money they invested in me be reduced to nothing but disappointment? Would I have yet again lost another fight? I don't think I can take another loss. Sooner or later, you just get tired of losing.
Then there's having to go back to Male'. Now, it's not so much about going back home as it is about leaving Malaysia and my friends. I don't even want to think about how much I'm going to miss 'my people'. Who am I going to call for reassurance that no, I'm not a failure as a human being when my mum tells me otherwise in a moment of infuriation. Who will I call when that guy lets me down (which lets face it, he will)? I'm going to miss all those nights of girl talk at Aroo's, chilling in Starbucks with everyone and those not so surprise parties at Indah Villa we throw on everyone's b'day.
I'm going to miss my classmates too. I'm not sure if I'll see any of them again anytime soon and that sucks. For what it's worth, it was a privilege meeting everyone of you (some more than others.heh.)
And yes, Male' does scare me. I don't want to lose sight of my dreams and wake up one morning and think 'screw fighting for peace and justice, I think I'll just go and chill at dinemore garden'. I don't want to lose this sense of independence that I've discovered these last few months. I like being the 'strange little 17 year old who talks too big for her age', and I'm scared that person will be squished out of me when I go back.
And the reason for all this stress? Well, my A2 exams, for one thing. I've never been this completely freaked out about an exam in my life(not even my O levels..and that's saying something). So much depends on my A level results. Where will I spend the next 3 years of my life doing my degree ? Will I manage to get into UQ / Monash or will I have to settle for some mediocre university? Did I let my parents down? Would all the hopes and money they invested in me be reduced to nothing but disappointment? Would I have yet again lost another fight? I don't think I can take another loss. Sooner or later, you just get tired of losing.
Then there's having to go back to Male'. Now, it's not so much about going back home as it is about leaving Malaysia and my friends. I don't even want to think about how much I'm going to miss 'my people'. Who am I going to call for reassurance that no, I'm not a failure as a human being when my mum tells me otherwise in a moment of infuriation. Who will I call when that guy lets me down (which lets face it, he will)? I'm going to miss all those nights of girl talk at Aroo's, chilling in Starbucks with everyone and those not so surprise parties at Indah Villa we throw on everyone's b'day.
I'm going to miss my classmates too. I'm not sure if I'll see any of them again anytime soon and that sucks. For what it's worth, it was a privilege meeting everyone of you (some more than others.heh.)
And yes, Male' does scare me. I don't want to lose sight of my dreams and wake up one morning and think 'screw fighting for peace and justice, I think I'll just go and chill at dinemore garden'. I don't want to lose this sense of independence that I've discovered these last few months. I like being the 'strange little 17 year old who talks too big for her age', and I'm scared that person will be squished out of me when I go back.
But I'm going to get through the stress. The light at the end of the tunnel might look far away right now, but it's still there. And for now, that's all I need to know.
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5 comments:
its good to see uve updated even though u sound as if ur dying. :p
and dont worry abt ur exams so much. ull get thru. im sure of it. unlike most other ppl u actually think abt this alot. jes how much money ur parents have put into ur studies and what they would expect from u. ur aware of it all and ur trying ur best to achieve that. so how can u say ur gonna let ur parents down. im sure they wont feel that way either.
and if ur THAT afraid of coming back to male' why dont u stay? oh yea, ur mom wont let u huh? ull be going back to 'ur people' u knw. its not like its not like they're gonna be teleported out of this world anyday. btw, good luck in ur exams though u aint gonna need it. cheer up!
you are stressed? lets go starbucks and chill out! xD actuali the stress is cox u are expecting too much of u.and u are not havin that self confidence u should have.which means u have to study more and drive urself more craxy. but on the bright side u are goin to get thru it anyhow.with the stress o not.and soon. it will be over.
oh yeah.wen u finish u are goin bak to male' dho? wooryy worry..cx i am thinking of followin u bak there. :P hehe. and about the person inside u. why is dat u hav no confidence in u.not even to be urself? the 17 year old who talk big for her age is u. be her.else i wud miss u alot :P haha.
if u want a torch o a candle light to lighten up the dark tunnel, u no we are always there. ;)
gudluk in the exams.
wish u all the best.
Ms.Worldpeace zindaabaad!! haha
UPDATE LA!!!!
damn :O i blog surfing and found this one..advice to u...
breathe...and think u can...like the carebears...u can u can u can!!! self confidence sista! ;)
and goodluck with ur exams
heyy thre..im jus chekin if u still read the comments on ur blog..sorry to disappoint u with such a useless comment..hehe..nyway if u do read this comment n find out who i am ..pls dont kill me
ok i ll leave u a clue!
Tight boxers! :P
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