Stressing

It's another late night and I'm up, completely insomniac yet once again. I can tell the stress is really getting to me because unlike uncountable times before, I can't blame it on coffee. Reason being, apart from the occasional moment of weakness, I have been avoiding caffeine at all costs(who knew the caramel hot chocolate at Starbucks was so incredibly good? yum).

And the reason for all this stress? Well, my A2 exams, for one thing. I've never been this completely freaked out about an exam in my life(not even my O levels..and that's saying something). So much depends on my A level results. Where will I spend the next 3 years of my life doing my degree ? Will I manage to get into UQ / Monash or will I have to settle for some mediocre university? Did I let my parents down? Would all the hopes and money they invested in me be reduced to nothing but disappointment? Would I have yet again lost another fight? I don't think I can take another loss. Sooner or later, you just get tired of losing.

Then there's having to go back to Male'. Now, it's not so much about going back home as it is about leaving Malaysia and my friends. I don't even want to think about how much I'm going to miss 'my people'. Who am I going to call for reassurance that no, I'm not a failure as a human being when my mum tells me otherwise in a moment of infuriation. Who will I call when that guy lets me down (which lets face it, he will)? I'm going to miss all those nights of girl talk at Aroo's, chilling in Starbucks with everyone and those not so surprise parties at Indah Villa we throw on everyone's b'day.

I'm going to miss my classmates too. I'm not sure if I'll see any of them again anytime soon and that sucks. For what it's worth, it was a privilege meeting everyone of you (some more than others.heh.)

And yes, Male' does scare me. I don't want to lose sight of my dreams and wake up one morning and think 'screw fighting for peace and justice, I think I'll just go and chill at dinemore garden'. I don't want to lose this sense of independence that I've discovered these last few months. I like being the 'strange little 17 year old who talks too big for her age', and I'm scared that person will be squished out of me when I go back.

But I'm going to get through the stress. The light at the end of the tunnel might look far away right now, but it's still there. And for now, that's all I need to know.