Stressing

It's another late night and I'm up, completely insomniac yet once again. I can tell the stress is really getting to me because unlike uncountable times before, I can't blame it on coffee. Reason being, apart from the occasional moment of weakness, I have been avoiding caffeine at all costs(who knew the caramel hot chocolate at Starbucks was so incredibly good? yum).

And the reason for all this stress? Well, my A2 exams, for one thing. I've never been this completely freaked out about an exam in my life(not even my O levels..and that's saying something). So much depends on my A level results. Where will I spend the next 3 years of my life doing my degree ? Will I manage to get into UQ / Monash or will I have to settle for some mediocre university? Did I let my parents down? Would all the hopes and money they invested in me be reduced to nothing but disappointment? Would I have yet again lost another fight? I don't think I can take another loss. Sooner or later, you just get tired of losing.

Then there's having to go back to Male'. Now, it's not so much about going back home as it is about leaving Malaysia and my friends. I don't even want to think about how much I'm going to miss 'my people'. Who am I going to call for reassurance that no, I'm not a failure as a human being when my mum tells me otherwise in a moment of infuriation. Who will I call when that guy lets me down (which lets face it, he will)? I'm going to miss all those nights of girl talk at Aroo's, chilling in Starbucks with everyone and those not so surprise parties at Indah Villa we throw on everyone's b'day.

I'm going to miss my classmates too. I'm not sure if I'll see any of them again anytime soon and that sucks. For what it's worth, it was a privilege meeting everyone of you (some more than others.heh.)

And yes, Male' does scare me. I don't want to lose sight of my dreams and wake up one morning and think 'screw fighting for peace and justice, I think I'll just go and chill at dinemore garden'. I don't want to lose this sense of independence that I've discovered these last few months. I like being the 'strange little 17 year old who talks too big for her age', and I'm scared that person will be squished out of me when I go back.

But I'm going to get through the stress. The light at the end of the tunnel might look far away right now, but it's still there. And for now, that's all I need to know.

Wreck of the day

I feel (and I highly suspect also look) like a wreck. So it's finally here, the day of the moot. I could barely sleep last night because the butterflies in my stomach (and not the good kind either. But then again, when it comes to butterflies is there a good kind?) wouldn't stop fluttering. The consequences? I have dark circles under my eyes, making me look like a not so cute raccoon. I also feel like collapsing on my nice, purple bed (which btw, is covered in case law). Trust me, these are not things you would want to be experiencing on the day of your first moot. With a Kings College lecturer as the judge. Presenting your case in front of zillions of law students. And the publicity people. And I hear the guys are really really good.

Oh crap.

I don't know at which point this stopped being fun and turned into, literally, a NIGHTMARE! I've never been one to shy away from large crowds. But this is beyond anything I've ever done before. It's an experience, I guess. And as Kuhan so kindly put it, the embarrassment will eventually go away.

It doesn't help that Ms. Marguerite was a total mess, either. When Miss Hot Shot Lawyer turned Lecturer starts freaking out for you, well, you know you're basically screwed. Eu jin said he was nervous. Because he forgot to wear court shoes.

Sigh. I wish that was the only thing I had to worry about as well.
Oh well. Gotta go and get ready. Wish me luck.

Clarity is just once upon a time..

I have been completely stressed out for the past two weeks. I swear, mooting is making me slightly coo-coo. I wake up every morning groaning inwards thinking of the amount work to be done and the zillions(zillions= more than one should be forced to read) of cases to be read. Sigh, at this point, law school doesn't seem all that appealing.

It's strange though, despite all that stress and freaking out, life seems to be more of an..adventure..this year. I have no idea what it holds for me yet, and apart from the fact that I reeally dread going back to Male' this June after my A levels, I feel kinda excited about it all. Life hasn't been exceptionally great so far this year, but it hasn't exactly sucked either. As corny as this is going to sound, it's true what they say, life really is what you make of it. Ahh, I already feel chipper( JD, Eu jin - i told you it's a word.Don't believe the crazy maldivian eh?)

And I know no one believes me, but I honestly have moved on from that particular issue of last year. I think. At least it doesn't bug me like it used to. It's more of the friendship and not having to constantly edit myself out that I miss. It's an amazing feeling, being truly and completely understood.

But after everything that's happened last year, I could do with a little more space. It sucks sometimes, that life is forever changing and clarity is all just once upon a time. But oh well, I digress.

Rambling..

I just realized I haven't shut up all day. Not once. I think this is the longest I've gone without talking all day, but since I'm rambling away here, I'm not sure that counts.

Caffeine overload,maybe? Hmm..not really, since I had just one(theres a shocker) coffee all day. Must be all the Chinese new year festivities. Yes. That must be it.

But I'm not chinese. Oh well.

Damn. I sound extremely pink, don't I? heh.

The storybook version of my life

In the storybook version of my life I would be sipping a Caramel Macchiato in Starbucks. The Starbucks that overlooks that ferris wheel. That ferris wheel which always flills me up with momentary happiness for some completely unknown reason. I love that ferris wheel. I'd be in that Starbucks which isn't filled with happy memories of life as I formerly knew it. Memories which come loathed in the life as I know it now. But then again, that's another story.

It would be sunset. The sunset would be at that perfect angle, giving the world that perfect orangish/red tint that would make everything seem..perfect. It would be drizzling a bit too. Yes, it would definitely be drizzling in the story book version of my life. The air would have this.. magical.. feel. The kind of magical feel that I've only ever experienced going on those long walks with my dad in Leicester.

I miss Leicester. I miss my dad too.

And I'd be with that person. That smart, funny, wise person. Mature too. Slightly crazy? Yes, I think I'd like that person to be slightly crazy. We'd talk about everything. Friends, politics, life. And music. Oh yes, music is very important. That person would laugh at my jokes. That person would challenge my opinions. That person would be perfectly imperfect.

I like that person.


And then, reality happens. My room looks like I haven't cleaned it in awhile. Probably because I haven't cleaned it in awhile. My bag is lying on the bed slightly open, displaying my new tort book. I need to start reading that tort book. And I'm filled with an undeniable sense of nostalgia. Nostalgia is the worst feeling in the world, I think.

I liked the storybook version of my life better.

Completely random..

It's 10.55 am and I'm at the web. My class finished early today, and not that I'm complaining, but I wish there was something to DO in college during breaks other than eat,hang out at the cafeteria or surf the net in the web. Now that Rizu's graduated, I don't really have anyone to randomnize with (is that a word? it should be a word)during breaks. Justin and Eu Jin seem to be catching up, but there's just something special about bitching in dhivehi. I mean, how do you translate words like 'thui' into english? You may come close, but it takes a true red, green and white blooded maldivian to really get the beauty of the word.

Yes, you may quote me.

I've found myself missing male' more and more these couple of days. At least, I miss my friends and family. But I never ever want to go back. I know I might sound like a snobbish little bitch, but it's not that I don't love Male', coz I DO, it's just that sometimes it feels like male' suffocates me. It's like theres this paticular way you have to act,dress, and even think. Anyone who dares to be different is looked upon as a total outcast. At least that's the way it feels sometimes. And I don't like the person I turn into when I stay in Maldives for too long.

I screwed up a bit in December when I was there for end of year holidays. Everything kept piling up, family stuff, boy issues, friend problems..there were days when I honestly felt like I was going to lose it. And I guess all of that just blew up, and I didn't know how to handle it. Any of it. In the I guess I let down people I care about alot, and I saw a side to some people I respected that I never wanted to witness. These are people who've been my closest friends when I was in Malaysia, and it amazed me how much the atmosphere of a place could change a person. How they could change friendships.

I think going abroad gives you a chance to start over new. Yea, alot of people change for the worse abandoning everything they believed in, but at the same time, alot of people change for the better too. Yes, I screw up from time to time, and when I do, it's HARD, but for the most part, I like the person I'm turning into. But it's like the moment I step onto male', I morph into the me of a couple of years back. The 'me' that everyone expects me to still be. This time I'll be in male' for atleast 8 months and it scares me. I don't want to lose who I am now. I don't ever want to go back to being that image of the person some people still have of me.

So who am I now? Well, I'm focused. I know what I want in life and I know what I have to do to get it. Maybe my ambitions are too big even for myself, but the world needs people with big ambitions I think. I can't imagine my life without my friends, and I don't always see eye to eye with my family, but they have a huge impact on the decisions I make. I dance around crazily in my room and I roast marshmallows with candles. Weird? Oh yea. I can take care of myself and anyone who thinks I'm 'little' really needs to get to know me a little bit better. Do I still mess up and show off my immature 16 year old side? Yep, from time to time. But I'm working on it.

The stupidest thing I've done this year

So, it's the start of another week and as for the weekend, I have officially put in zero studying time. Just wasn't feeling it for some reason. I got insanely bored yesterday and did the stupidest thing. I don't know where it came from, but I got this sudden urge to get a haircut. Maybe it was my way of seeking out that change I've been craving for, or maybe, like I said, I was just insanely bored.

Now, getting a new hairstyle is a major decision and one to be thought out well. And trust me, you should never ever go and get an impulse haircut on your own. Oh believe me, I knew all this, so I don't know which part of my brain thought it was good idea to go alone.

I blame the 2 cans of coffee I had.

Well, you must've probably figured out that I walked out of that salon looking HIDEOUS. No, really, I'm not exaggerating. As a friend put it, I looked like a 'findhuburi kaalheh'.

-_- I really need friends who aren't so honest.

Sigh, this is how I look now. I miss my hair!